grow a day older and see, how sweet those smiles can be

Sebuah lirik lagu ini berkali-kali membuat saya tercenung. Berkali-kali membuat saya menyangkal betapa saya menolak untuk beranjak, enggan menyicip masa sulit yang dikisahkan di dalamnya.

Namun semakin saya menyangkal, kian kukuh saya menghindar, makin tersadar saya bahwa transisi akan selalu ada. Rasanya getir, pahit dan manis datang bersamaan.
Perlu ada daur hidup yang kekal. Datang dan pergi. Jumpa dan pisah. Awal dan akhir, untuk kemudian diawali lagi, diakhiri lagi.....

Hanya tersisa saya di ujung jalan. Terserak dihantam laju waktu, deru perubahan. Terseok mengajak segenap hati dan raga untuk tidak terlindas rasa.
Sulit.
Tapi itu caranya menjadi dewasa.
Semesta, haruskah saya menjadi dewasa?

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Grow A Day Older
Dewi Lestari

"... When I was in complete surrender of who I am, the helpless idiot venturing her endless lessons of love and life. When I was thankful that he would grow a day older and see what a mess I could be. And I can feel I am arriving in that moment again, right now, as I am cuddled like his Teddy, and still not knowing what to do or what to decide."

See the sunrise
Know it's time for us to pack up all the past
And find what truly lasts
If everything has been written, so why worry, we say
It's you and me with a little left of sanity
If life is ever changing, so why worry, we say
It's still you and I with silly smile as we wave goodbye
And how will it be? Sometimes we just can't see
A neighbor, a lover, a joker
Or a friend you can count on forever?
How happy, how tragic, how sorry?
The sun's still up and life remains a mystery
So, would it be nice to sit back in silence?
Despite all the wisdom and the fantasies
Having you close to my heart as I say a little grace
I'm thankful for this moment cause
I know that you

Grow a day older and see how this sentimental fool can be
When she tires to write a birthday song
When she thinks so hard to make your day
When she's getting lost in all her thoughts
When she waits a whole day to say...
"I'm thankful for this moment cause I know that I.."
Grow a day older and see how this sentimental fool can be
When he ache his arms to hold me tight
When he picks up lines to make me laugh
Whan he's getting lost in all his calls
When we can't wait to say : "I love you'."

If everything has been written down, so why worry, we say
It's you and me with a little left of sanity

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Inginnya saya menangis dan berteriak keras-keras karena pergulatan.

Namun bukan itu inti dari penjajakan hidup dan cinta. Terlebih saya bukanlah anak-anak lagi, yang mengandalkan tangis untuk sebungkus jajanan di pinggir jalan. Meski saya ingin sekali merengek untuk sebuah pelukan. Namun sekarang...tidak lagi bisa.

Saya ingin seperti daun. Daun yang bahagia saat tumbuh dan ranum. Daun yang tersenyum karena dapat memberi kehidupan bagi ulat. Daun yang merelakan tubuhnya dikoyak dan digerogoti. Daun yang mungkin khawatir pada angin dan kemarau yang akan segera menggugurkannya, namun tak pernah menangis ketakukan karenanya. Daun yang anggun, jatuh perlahan menyentuh tanah. Lapuk. Namun sahaja.

Kini...mungkin lebih nikmat bila saya duduk menyepi, mengolah rasa dan menikmati rasa sakit. Meletakkan kaki saya di tanah, mencium baunya dan mulai melangkahkan kaki penuh kesadaran di atasnya. Berdamai, menerima, dan melakoni.

Namun ketahuilah. Tidak ada yang mudah. Mengapa rasanya begitu menyakitkan sehingga air mata ini turun deras di luar kuasa saya.
"..grow a day older and see.. how sentimental fool can be."

Tak ada yang perlu dikhawatirkan.
" If everything has been written, so why worry, we say
It's you and me with a little left of sanity
If life is ever changing, so why worry, we say
It's still you and I with silly smile as we wave goodbye"

Yes. In my heart, there is still you and i with silly smile as we wave goodbye.